The Perils of History

The legendary Professor Grimes did not make it to class that morning until 8:37 AM – more than half an hour after his history class started. The professor whose lectures had done so much to cure insomnia in countless students had been ill for the previous two weeks. During his absence he had, with great reluctance, turned his class over to a new substitute teacher by the name of Marvin Hampton. Today the professor had finally started feeling well enough to return to his classroom.

No one took any particular notice of his arrival as he took a seat toward the back of the room, between two sleeping teenagers. There were about 150 students in a large room that could seat 450, which was far more than normal. Professor Grimes suspected that the midterm grades he had given out were having their desired effect.

As he took his seat he noticed that Marvin was wrapping up his lecture.

“In summary, class, the causes of the Alconians’ unfortunate demise are relatively simple. The nation had flourished until, like many others, it became entangled in a trade dispute with their powerful southern neighbor. This dispute – ”

A student piped up. “Excuse me, but what southern neighbor was that?”

“It was Kranjovia, Steve. Kranjovia. This dispute eventually led to a protracted war that seriously weakened both countries. The expense of the war – ”

“And the war lasted how long?”

“Fourteen years, Steve. Now please be quiet – let me finish, and then you can ask questions. The expense of the war drained the treasury, which forced Alconia to raise taxes. The higher taxes damaged the popularity of the current administration, which – ”

“It did what?” Professor Grimes asked.

“I said – ” and then Marvin saw who had asked the question. “Oh, hello, Professor. I didn’t see you come in. I said that the higher taxes damaged the popularity of the current administration.”

“I see,” Professor Grimes replied. “Why?”

“Um, well, obviously, because the Alconians didn’t like higher taxes.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know exactly,” Marvin replied, “that wasn’t mentioned in the chapter. I would be glad to look it up for you if you’d like.”

Professor Grimes said nothing.

Marvin turned around and began writing on the blackboard. “As I was saying. Mass discontent was further aggravated when the Alconian government began nationalizing industries, seizing land, and devaluing the nation’s currency in order to raise more funds to finance the ongoing war.”

“You mean when it began stealing from its citizens,” Professor Grimes corrected.

Marvin stopped writing and turned around. “Excuse me?”

“Never mind,” he said. “Go on.”

The substitute teacher resumed his writing. “The unrest that this caused led riots all over the country, which a few generals capitalized upon to launch a coup against the reigning political system. The country was soon embroiled in a fierce civil war that further devastated the economy. At this point the weakened nation was easy prey for its foreign enemies, who invaded the land and divided what was left of it – is something wrong, Professor Grimes?”

“Everything is wrong,” he said. “Are you sure you read the chapter?”

“What chapter?” a voice said from the back of the room. “Were we supposed to read something?”

No one answered the student. “I’m quite – that is – yes, I did – of course,” Marvin replied.

Grimes shook his head. “I find that hard to believe, Marvin. You have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Um, that is – excuse me?”

“I said you have no idea what you are talking about. Where on earth did you hear such utter rubbish?”

The classroom grew very quiet. Four students actually stopped snoring.

“What – that is, what do you mean, Professor Grimes? I was not aware that the facts of the situation were in dispute.”

“I’m not talking about the facts, Marvin. Have you never realized that facts don’t speak for themselves?”

The substitute teacher took a step back. “Of course! That is, no. I mean, I’m afraid that I don’t understand.”

“Think about it,” the professor said as he stood up out of his chair and unsteadily walked toward the front of the room. “Is history nothing more than matter in motion to you? You lecture so blithely about mass discontent and trade disputes as if these things were as much natural forces of nature as the tides. We’re talking about people here, Marvin!”

“I’m aware of that,” Marvin replied. “It is a fact, however, that the Alconian people did get into a trade dispute with Kranjovia. I fail to see why you are disputing that.”

“How do you spell Kranjovia?” another student asked. “That’s going to be on the test, right?”

Both professors ignored him. “Of course there was a trade dispute,” Professor Grimes said. “But that’s a gross over-simplification. What caused the trade dispute in the first place? Was it just one of those things that happen, like a tree limb falling on your car and crushing it in the parking lot, or was it caused by greed and envy and a lust for power?”

Marvin shook his head. “I have no idea, Grimes. What possible difference does it make?”

“It makes all the difference in the world!” Grimes said. “You have completely failed to mention any personal responsibility on the part of anyone. Yes, there was a war – which was launched when one group of people decided they wanted something that belonged to someone else, so they invaded their neighbor to steal it. Yes, there was mass discontent, which happened just after the Alconians realized that their government had taken away their livelihood and had left them all to starve to death.”

“The government had no other choice,” Marvin said. “They could no longer afford to pay their bills, so they had to take drastic measures to ensure the future of their country. There was nothing that could be done.”

“And that certainly worked out very well, didn’t it?” Professor Grimes asked.

“As well as could have been expected,” Marvin replied. “I still don’t understand you. This is a simple case where history just marched on.”

“Tell me something, Marvin. Suppose someone were to steal your car. Would you just chalk that up to history marching on and move on with your life?”

“That’s different. Cars are stolen by unfortunate, misguided human beings. There’s no history at work there.”

“And what is history caused by – sunspots?”

The bell rang, and the class got up and began filing out the door. Marvin spoke up. “Read Chapter 54 for next week, class. We’re going to study – ”

“Sunspots,” Grimes muttered, his eye fixed on Marvin.