The Perils of Theory

At precisely 8:00 AM Professor Grimes walked into his classroom. “Good morning students,” he said.

The students that were awake mumbled a response.

Professor Grimes walked over to his desk, set down his papers, and took a brief survey of the classroom. The auditorium held 450 people, which was precisely the number that had enrolled into his university-mandated history class. There were 36 people there today – about average, he thought.

“Class, please open your textbooks to Chapter 5. Today we are going to discuss the lost civilization of CZW-209.”

A few students got out their textbooks and turned to the chapter, but the rest continue to sleep. Taking no notice, the professor walked over to the chalkboard and began writing.

“For the past four weeks we have been discussing the various lost civilizations that we have discovered around the galaxy – mighty races that have left behind only ruins. Today we are going to discuss the most significant find of all: the lost race that once lived on the sixth planet in the star system CZW-209.”

“Wonderful,” someone muttered.

The professor ignored the comment. “The ruins of this lost race were not found until two hundred years ago largely because no one considered that someone might have lived in that part of the galaxy. There are no histories of ancient peoples migrating to that area, so as far as we know this race must have been indigenous to the planet.

“Thousands of archaeologists have traveled to this remote world in the past two centuries in order to uncover the history of this forgotten people. When the world was first discovered it was utterly devastated: there was not a single microbe still alive on its surface. Our knowledge of this people comes primarily from the ruins that cover the surface of the sixth planet in the system.”

Professor Grimes stopped writing on the blackboard and looked around the room. Jackie, his star student, was furiously writing down his every word. A few other students were making a handful of notes, but the rest were sound asleep. Grimes reflected coldly that they would not be sleeping when he handed out their end-of-semester grades!

He cleared his throat and began again. “The people – pay attention now, class – the people that once lived on this planet were by far the most advanced of all the ancient indigenous cultures. Archaeologists have found evidence that these people had mastered secrets such as genetic engineering, digital computers, fusion power, and even anti-gravity. At its peak their civilization was much like ours was five centuries ago. An amazing network of airports and roads has been – ”

A hand shot up. “Yes, Steve?” the professor asked.

“Why do archaeologists care so much about roads?” the student asked. “So they could make a road. Who cares?”

Professor Grimes resisted the urge to throw an eraser at the student. “Roads,” he said in his most crisp tones, “are important because they reflect the extent of a society’s development. Briefly, a society will only build roads to connect important locations; an abundance of roads indicates a prosperous planet.”

“Oh,” the student said while trying to stifle a yawn.

The professor continued. “The sixth planet in the star system CZW-209 was a well-populated planet, even by today’s standards. At its peak it is believed to have housed more than ten billion people, with some cities housing over twenty million. There is evidence that at one time satellites orbited the planet and were used for communications, weather monitoring, and global positioning. As far as we can tell they had all the resources to begin colonizing their star system.

“So, one might ask, why did their civilization collapse?” The professor looked at his class. “Anyone?”

No one said a word. There was no sound at all, except a gentle snoring that emanated from the back of the room. Professor Grimes shook his head and continued.

“That was the key question that so puzzled the world of academia for two centuries: what – or who, as the case may be – led to the demise of this prosperous and advanced world? This remained a mystery until the unknown language of the planet was translated, but once that was accomplished the reasons became clear.”

“The reasons are – ”

A voice from the middle of the room interrupted the professor. “Will this be on the mid-term exam?”

He stopped and looked around, trying to spot the student that had so rudely interrupted him. “Of course it will; now sit up and pay attention. Hmmm – where was I – the reasons. Of course.” He resumed writing on the chalkboard.

“The denizens of this world made a very elementary mistake – a mistake so severe that it led to the complete extinction of all life on their planet. Very simply, they neglected to note the difference between theory and practice.”

“For instance, to eliminate gun crime they simply decided to outlaw guns: no guns, no gun crime. Law-abiding citizens turned in their weapons but, to their astonishment, criminals did not. This law had the brilliant effect of making sure that only criminals had weapons, a fact that they used to their advantage. Gun crime went up 300% in two years because criminals could finally burglarize residences in peace, knowing that they were safe from gun-toting home owners!

“Similar logic was used in areas of foreign policy. In an attempt to save the planet the nations of the world decided to sign a treaty banning the most dangerous weapons of the day – specifically, chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons. They believed that by signing this piece of paper all of these weapons would vanish overnight, leading to unbridled peace and harmony. Instead, the honest nations destroyed their weapons and the dishonest ones kept them, a fact that they, used to their advantage. It only took a few years for the dishonest nations to wipe the honest nations right off the map.”

“Cool,” someone whispered, leading to snickers in the classroom. The professor resisted the urge to evict the student from the class; his time was almost over anyway.

“As you can see,” he continued, “this race’s grasp on the difference between theory and practice was somewhat tenuous at best. Their theories were excellent, but when they put them into practice it led to disastrous results – and by then it was too late to do anything about it.

“The most devastating example of this was their ban on testing weapons. The surviving nations of the world decided that they could prevent the rise of even more dangerous weapons by simply passing a law. Instead of forbidding nations from building weapons (a treaty no nation would sign), they instead passed a law forbidding nations from testing new weapons. They thought that since nations couldn’t test weapons they wouldn’t be likely to develop them in the first place.”

One student raised her hand. “That makes sense to me, professor,” she said.

Professor Grimes looked at her sternly. “Tell me, Marica. Suppose you really, really wanted to sleep through this lecture, but your professor said you could not. If you were an unscrupulous student with no regard for your end-of-semester grade, what would you do?”

She thought a moment. “Sleep through it anyway?”

“Exactly,” the professor said, motioning toward his students. “You’d fall asleep anyway. The nations of this planet weren’t allowed to test their weapons, so they just skipped that part and developed them anyway.”

“How could you do that?” she asked.

“With computers,” he responded. “They developed computer simulations that predicted how their new nuclear weapons would respond – or so they thought. Then, when the simulations told them what they wanted to hear, they built these weapons by the millions.

“It was only a few years down the road that one particularly aggressive nation decided to invade its neighbors, and without even a declaration of war it launched these potent new weapons on cities all over the planet. They thought that the weapons would have only a limited effect, but they were quite wrong.

“You see,” he said, “the potency of this new class of nuclear weapons was far greater than any simulation had predicted. They thought that the new weapons would release radiation without a devastating blast, thus killing the people but leaving the buildings intact. Unfortunately, what they did not realize was that the weapons would ignite a chain reaction with an element in the soil of the planet, thus bathing the entire planet in hard radiation. The radiation died down in a few days, as they knew it would, but not before it had killed every last living creature on the planet.”

The bell rang, triggering a sudden rush for the door. “Ok, class, our time is over for today,” Professor Grimes said. “Remember, always test your theories – and read Chapter 6 for next week!”